


Desire Play

by fiyeraba



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Abusive Parents, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 06:15:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29363862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiyeraba/pseuds/fiyeraba
Summary: When Spike left you, you were a mess. Self-harming, whoring yourself off to random men, even taking drugs. But the one thing keeping you alive was knowing he loved you, and you loved him, though it wasn't clear. When he returns, you start off as angry.Arguments, crying and even being beat up by your father.All because he left. And then came back. (WIP)
Relationships: Spike (BtVS)/Reader
Kudos: 6





	1. One: Lust and Love

**Author's Note:**

> There may be mentions of self-harm, suicidal thoughts and drugs.

Sunnydale, California, 1997.  
It was a mistake getting involved with him, but you didn't regret any bit of it.

He initiated it. The first kiss. And the second. And all the ones after that.  
It was fun at first, sneaking around school, hiding in classrooms, and even cars. It was all you ever did, really. The sheer excitement of not wanting to be caught, yet desiring it to happen so much.

It was as if you were in a different body when you were with him, you weren't the shy, helpless girl you were anymore. You were more of a bold and feisty young woman. However, it changed when he took off, randomly. You called him every day, sent a letter to him almost weekly. He never replied though.

You felt ashamed. Were you just a game to him? Were you just his whore? You loved him. Every part of him. You loved his platinum blonde hair that he always slicked back with gel. You loved his intoxicatingly bright blue eyes, and the way they stared at you with passion whenever you were together.

You loved his dominance, the way he seemed to control you, yet was so protective. You were his, and he made that clear.  
He loved you back, but he didn't make that clear.  
You loved waking up in his bed in the morning, with your arms wrapped around his body, unsure of what happened the past night.

You had always wanted to tell your friends about your relationship with him, but it just never was the right time.  
It felt like there were two forces, one pushing you towards him, full of love, and lust; one pulling you away from him, full of guilt and innocence

. You eventually gave in. After he left you, you were a mess. And what made it worse, was you couldn't even tell your friends why you were so messed up. To ‘soothe the pain’, you started taking drugs. Self-harming. Whoring yourself off to random men in the street. You really didn't care anymore, life was just a huge, confusing puzzle. And it had only been 6 months.


	2. Two: Reunion?

“Y/N, duck!” Buffy cried out, lunging forwards towards the vampire attacking you. You crouched down and crawled to shelter, behind a tall headstone. You watched your friend get thrown and punched by the vampire, wondering how she doesn’t get hurt. Suddenly, she stopped fighting and stepped backwards.

“Buffy, what are you doing?!” You whisper-shouted, but she didn't hear you. You heard her murmur something, it sounded like “Spike?”

The vampire advanced towards her. He transformed back into his human-looking form. You jumped up, unable to control your happiness.

Spike had been gone for months. You thought he had fled the country, or died, or was being held hostage, or some other terrible thing. You then realised that Buffy didn’t know about you and him being, well you know, involved; so you had to act calm and less happy.

After all, Spike did a lot of bad things to Buffy and your friends, he's not really that popular within your group. 

“Buffy. Y/N. Where's the rest of the gang?” He said, in a hushed tone. Buffy turned to look at you. Spike took advantage of this moment and smiled at you apologetically, it was genuine.

“Studying. Some maths exam.” 

“Shouldn't you two be studying too? Or does being a slayer also include acing every single test, Buffy?” He questioned, sarcastically.

“Patrol.” You said, awkwardly and subtly admiring Spike. 

“Of course.” He replied. He glanced at the ground. 

“Well then, shouldn't we get going, Y/N? We have  _ real _ vampires to kill.” Your friend stated. 

Spike looked at you with a ‘please-stay’ gaze plastered on his face.

“Erm… I think I have to go home. Dad’s a bit wild when it comes to curfew you know.” You blurted. You hate lying, so you had to try to be confident. 

“Oh, okay. See you at school tomorrow then!”

“See you.”

Buffy walked off into the graveyard. Only as soon as you knew she was out of sight, you turned to Spike.

“What the hell?!” 

He flinched slightly. “I can explain, I-” 

“Yeah, you better. You better explain why you took off suddenly without warning me, or even saying goodbye! Explain why you didn't answer any of my letters or phone calls. Where did you go?” You yelled. You were holding back tears, but unsure whether they were sad, angry or happy tears.

“Y/N, I’m really sorry. I know how hard this has been on you, and I understand if you want to stake me in the heart or whatever you do to kill us. I never left to hurt you.” He was truly apologetic. For some reason, him being the sad one made you feel mad. You exhaled, and turned around, walking away from him. Spike grabbed your arm and said, “Please, love, can we talk?”

“If you're gonna whine about being sorry and regretting everything then I don't want to hear it, you've hurt me enough already.” At this point, you didn't even want to walk away. You just wanted to stay there. You wiped your eyes, and sniffled in between words.

“Y/N...”

The tears you were trying so hard to ignore before were now streaming down your face, and you could feel your throat closing up. You collapsed onto the ground. Spike grabbed you as you fell down, trying his best to be comforting as you broke down in front of him. He held you in his arms, and blamed himself for making you feel like that. 

You instantly forgot about your feelings, your conversation with him, you forgot everything. You just wanted to be with him, and have him hold you tight forever. 

It felt like hours of you crying into Spike’s shoulder, and him consoling you. You could feel yourself drifting off into sleep, hoping this whole day was just a dream. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


You woke up in your bedroom,  _ /thank god it was a dream.../ _ . You sat up and stretched, but when you opened your eyes, there seemed to be a person sleeping on your bedroom floor in a sleeping bag. “Who the hell are you and why are you in my bedroom?!” You whisper-yelled, hoping not to wake your father. They sat up and looked at you. It was Spike. “Sorry if I scared you. I thought that maybe you'd be more comfortable sleeping here instead of in a graveyard.”

It wasn't a dream after all, he must've brought you home when you fell asleep last night. Suddenly, your head felt heavy. You covered your eyes from the sun pouring into your window. Spike stood up and walked over to your bed. You pulled the blanket over your head in an attempt to shut him out. The bed sank slightly as he sat down next to you, placing his hand on your arm. 

“Are you feeling better, love?” He said softly. You ignored him. You didn't want to start crying in front of him again. 

“Please talk to me, Y/N.”

You lifted the blanket down and put your head on Spike’s shoulder. He wrapped his arm around you and lightly kissed your head. 

“I missed you.” You murmured. You felt your body going tense, hating the vulnerability.

Spike turned his head to look at you, “God Y/N, I was going insane thinking about you. The amount of times I-” 

You cut him off, “Shh. Can't we just forget about that? I want to be with you.” 

“Of course, princess.” 

You thought about the months when Spike was gone. Though missing him made you strong, there was a time you were angry at the universe, for pulling you and Spike apart.You didn't want to think about that anymore. Only it was all that you could.

* * *

  
  


After what seemed like ages of silence, your door opened. It was your father. “Y/N Y/L/N, what in God's name is a boy doing in your bed?!” He shouted. 

You flinched. “D-dad, it's not what it looks like! He’s erm, my friend, and uh, we were-”

“Look old man, your pretty daughter here’s my girlfriend,” Spike stood up. 

“Spike, stop-” 

“And if you have a problem with that, then I think you should leave.” He crossed his arms. 

You could  _ literally see _ the steam coming out of your fathers ears. You knew he was going to do something. And as if he was reading your mind, he suddenly slapped Spike across his face. You closed your eyes, afraid of what he was going to do to him next.

Your father grabbed your arm and pulled you off the bed. You tried to resist, but he was too strong. He pinned you against the wall, restraining you from moving. “You ungrateful bitch,” he shouted, “I raised you, and this is how you thank me? By bringing some boy into your bed?!” He punched you. He had never been this aggressive before.

Your eyes were shut tight. 

“Not cool man.” Spike growled. He kicked your father’s head from behind, causing him to let go of you and stumble to the side of the room. He was quick to fight back, and managed to get ahold of Spike’s neck. 

“Y/N, get out,” He choked. 

“No, I can't let him do this to you!” You cried. You tried to hit him and pull him away from Spike but it wasn't working, he was too strong. “Dad, please! You think you're doing this because you care about me but if you really cared about me then you  _ wouldn't _ .”

“Nice speech, love but I dont think thats gonna get me out of this old man's sweaty hands.”

He let go. 

“I want you out. And away from my daughter. You hear me?” he snarled. 

You watched as your father pushed Spike away, and slammed your bedroom door shut as he walked out.

“Spike, I am so sorry... I didn't know he would do that to you. This is all my fault, I shouldn't have stayed with you last night, and I shouldn't have fallen asleep. I'm really sorry, are you hurt?” There were tears welled up in your eyes. 

“Oh no, princess, it's not your fault. I'll always protect you, please don't blame yourself for something you can't control.” He ran his hand through your hair, and kissed you softly. “Haven't done that in a while, have we?” He smiled at you, and pulled you into a tight hug. 


	3. Three: Cursed

It's been two weeks since your reunion with Spike. Aside from the frequent meetings at midnight, there hadn't really been any action between you. 

But Spike was just a smaller problem in your life now. 

You were all gathered at Giles’ place, you, Buffy, Riley, Xander, Anya and Giles. Nothing important was happening, everyone was just discussing the usual stuff, vampires, demons, monsters. That is, until Willow and Oz walked in. She seemed scared. 

“You have to help me! I woke up singing, I have a French oral today and I feel like winging!” She mused. Xander laughed. 

“So you're telling me, you just woke up singing and rhyming?” He cackled. 

Willow nodded. 

“Is it a curse?” Buffy asked, looking at Giles.

“Willow, are you sure you can't stop or are you just nervous for this French exam?” Giles studied her face as she reacted to the question. “Actually, don't answer that.”

Oz spoke up, “She told me last night that she was pretty excited. And this morning she seemed really down when I picked her up.” He wrapped his arm around Willow.

“Hm… I’ll have to find a cure, or some reversing spell… Y/N, could you walk Willow back to her dorm? This may be easier if she wasn't here.” Giles murmured, flipping through the pages of multiple books at the same time.

You nodded. “Come on, Wil. Oz, would you like to come too? Just to keep her company while i'm gone.” You glanced at him.

“Uh, yeah, of course.” 

  
  


As Giles and Buffy were trying to figure out the curse, you and Xander were talking. Catching up. “So, did you enjoy Italy?”

“Yeah, it was amazing. Mom didn't let me have pizza though, she said if I wanted food I had to pay for it myself. I'd already paid for my plane tickets and hotel room, what more do you need, woman?!” He sarcastically exclaimed.

You laughed, “At least your parents take you on holidays. I can't remember the last time my dad did anything with me, now all he does is drink and watch sports.”

“Sorry, Y/N…” 

“It's fine. It's not your fault.I get a little carried away sometimes. Anyway, how're you and Anya?” You sounded slightly sadder. 

“We are perfect! Why? What makes you think we’re not?” Anya declared, tightly hugging Xander, who looked embarrassed and uncomfortable. 

“Oh, I was just asking. To break the awkwardness, you know.” You stammered. 

“Anyway, how is your love life? I haven't seen any boys around you lately.” Xander teased. You obviously couldn't tell him about Spike. 

Luckily, Buffy saved you from having to either tell him or lie to him. Or so you thought.

“Guys, have any of you seen Spike around lately? We ran into him on patrol a couple weeks back but he hasn't been spotted since.”

“Spike? Didn't he like, run away a few months ago?” Xander said.

You were getting flustered and sweaty, and could feel the heat in your cheeks. “N-no… haven't seen him at all.”

“Why'd ya need _ him _ , Buf?” Xander asked, standing up next to Anya. 

“He’s the only one who can help… apparently you need some sort of… DNA from a vampire to reverse the curse.” Giles splurted. 

“Ew, what kind of DNA?” Anya asked. 

“We don't know yet. We’re hoping he can be the one to tell us.”

“Maybe you should try to find him on patrol tonight, you know how he likes lurking in the shadows so much.” 

“Yeah. Maybe.”

Xander sat down. He passed you a tin of cookies. “Cookie?” 

You took one. You were less hot and awkward now, but from the way Xander was looking at you, you were sure that you were still blushing. After all, you had done nothing but think about that night since it happened, you thought about how you collapsed in his arms, and how you so easily forgave him for putting you through hell for six months. 

“Why do you look so uncomfortable, Y/N? You alright?” Xander looked at you. 

“I… Im fine. I'm just tired.” You stuttered.

“Wait…” he lowered his eyebrows. 

_ /crap… i think he knows/  _

“Do you know where Spike is?” 

“What? No? Why would you ask me that? How would I know?” You stumbled over your words, obviously blushing, and was sure Xander had figured it out by now. 

“Y/N, what's going on?” He looked concerned for you. “And please dont lie to me, i'm your best friend. You know you can tell me anything.” He stood up and sat next to you. You had to tell him.

“If I tell you something, you have to promise not to tell anyone. Especially Buffy.” You looked down. 

Xander put his arm on your shoulder, “I promise. Please don't think you can’t trust me.”

You took a deep breath. “I've been seeing someone, and I tell you, I want you to know that I know it's dangerous. But I think I love him.” You bit your bottom lip, trying not to say something wrong, or just lie to him suddenly. He looked at you, comfortingly. You couldn't lie to him. 

“It's Spike.” you said quietly. 

Xander let out a quick bark of laughter. He thought you were joking. “Seriously?”

You nodded. You thought you were going to cry again. 

He hugged you. Not in a happy way, but in a consoling way. He didn't want to feel like he wasn't happy for you, he was just dumbfounded that you'd been able to pull this off and not tell anyone. What bothered him though, was that you hadn't told him. He was your  _ best friend _ . And you were his.


End file.
